Midnight-Synesthesia

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:
Started in 2004, related to medication gradually Night Terrors and Flashbacks were initiated by 2008-2009.  The memory and sense issues got worse into 2013, the damage that compiled with other factors resulting in a nervous breakdown 2016 steadily left me unable to work and left me taking daily medication and in low income apartment for the emotionally disturbed.  
High Functioning Autism:
Not Properly diagnosed until 2017
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder:
Symptoms started just before 1990
There are related things like Anxiety and Depression classified but it’s due to Aspergers; I could also go on forever about Night Terrors and Intrusive Repetitive Thoughts plus why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder comes from those thoughts or how it’s an endless cycle of symptoms that overlap.  I will only be trying to put this as now here is my thought process; To spill my guts and take it or leave it with no holding back.  I don’t need pity or denial that I’m looking at it the wrong way, it’s just explaining as best as I can the response to perceived problems.
    Exempli Gratia if you tell a person who is right handed to be left handed it might be a thing they can ...learn... but if they don’t comprehend it in the moment, it is really foolish to ask with an expectation of comprehension because they can write with the right, to berate them, like why don’t they switch?  With that in mind; I sometimes feel panic and start to mentally collapse when a person wants to shake my hand, subconsciously willed I need to fight the feeling that I should turn to the observers and ask did you just masturbate with that hand? Is there cum and jizz on it? Is it anthrax? Are you putting a curse onto my hand that will gouge out the fingernails therein? Why else would one offer to shake my hand for no reason?  The first thing of my explanation to know, is that I might have these delusions\hallucinations\visions and intrusive compulsions, true.  So it is weird and I know how strange a position it is, when someone observes from the outside they don't see it's not under my control. 
    People who want to know why I'm uncomfortable talking about it.  Well sure: to be blunt about it, I am mad to a certain degree, because I know these thoughts are irrational, I am intelligent enough to distinguish however it is obscene for my brain to have a mindset aiming this direction.  As a parable Id Est it’s like lifting a ball that is 35lbs.  It’s not crippling and even with outstretched arms people probably wouldn’t pay any mind to it, but after opening doors, walking around to get something to drink or eat, and ignoring it concentrating on hiding it maybe switching hands it starts to feel like 75lbs.  Now every second of everyday synapses are telling you keep lifting that, but should you stop, then you will feel pain of Hellfire and Damnation, condemned as the most terrible fated person that nobody will ever love and will be evidenced as an insignificant failure of a human. That constantly nagging 35pound ball doesn't give you a cognitive thought, not allowing a moments peace even when you are sitting down with this ball in your shirt pocket you aren't comfortable with it pulling your shirt down feeling the constant torment as immediate moments become a beginning as it turns to seeing a future where supposing the rest of this mortal coil is going to be worse and not end.

When one like me rationalizes how to respect myself, it is a way to be self defeating like if you say you aren’t suicidal then it’s not that bad and must be faking it for attention.  If you say I want to be cured then you know it will be an uphill struggle where internally you question, why bother?  Is it worth 65 years of agony to crawl out of a spiral tunnel to only be settling for “Adequate... ...Now it’s more narrow then it was.”?  If thanks to medication or invasive surgery maybe you are still dragging a 20lb. weight perhaps that again is just acceptable... ...Never in the square marked for part of the Golden Children.  Always living outside settling for less or a life that is content, if like me a span of lifetime where one watches normal people blend in with NHL brand Hockey sticks and NBA brand Basket balls, meanwhile pretending it doesn’t bother them to only use generic undesirable equipment.  I am not trying to make a political statement here either I know some will find Liberal or Conservative ideology anyone who knows me probably agrees that I don't see it as black and white, I'm in the grey I don't think of totally right or left being sensible.  I still try to be honest and truthful / I am neutral with no agenda* 

So what I need to explain in this brutally honest and Not censored rant is when I use the crutch of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, One of the coping mechanisms to deal with it over the years is asking, “Is everything all right?” why have I developed this habit because it’s just easier to say O.C.D. then the whole song and dance of Handicap or Mental Challenges, I’m not saying it to relate and be one of those privileged entitled, I deserve a break since it isn’t my fault types.  The simple way to make this fit is (I am sorry that it is annoying, I acknowledge that) (please validate my feelings enough to understand it is not intentional and I would do almost anything to be normal and able to have just a day where I wasn’t emotionally exhausted from my mental hang ups) I hope this is therapeutic in a way. If not for others with similar issues, perhaps for me just typing it out for the world to see the raw unfiltered war in my thought process. 

What next with the Past Retaliation Game\ Mortal Kombat & Splatterhouse crossover\ Moving to Michigan? 
Well it’s been one year since I’ve added to the diary on this: I have improved my life in some ways and misguided it in others.  My friend no longer girlfriend has officially broken up with me.  I know it is because of things I did wrong and it doesn’t matter if it was intended or not.  I know one was at the theatre I thought something terrible would happen if I didn't do something like touching her sisters hand.  It’s like coping mechanisms anyway I don't hear from her anymore so I don't even know if she's okay.  Granted I already feel like I’m not being a pessimist or optimist.  I’m being realistic, the last thing she told me was she wanted to be friends and keep in contact just not romantic partners I'm just without companionship.  My soul is just in turmoil and my brain is corrupted.  So I will do what I can but I am not even having writer’s block. I just look at the things in my life that I have done, I can’t deny and won’t say I’m better then anyone else or I know other people feel the same way.  I know there is a higher hierarchy even with the lowest of the low.  The only way to articulate it is even if God appeared themselves like the possibility is there, and not only that if it didn’t happen the intrusive thought is there, I can still be smart enough to see it for what it is:  Okay I’m not a rapist, I’m not a torturer, I haven’t made a cult of brainwashed youth I’m not trying to get pity I’m just dedicating my life to truth I still feel like I'm in The subterranean bunker, and that I've failed my kitty-cat.  

So as evidenced I am a man of my word and it’s taken me 10 years to put what I have on the Midnight-Synesthesia works.  It might take another 20 years to put it right where I like it.  I will complete it and I have tried to accept as much responsibility as I can.  This is just reality though; I didn’t expect the love of my life to end my relationship to her, I didn’t expect to lose all of my grandparents so close together, I wasn’t expecting the hallucinations to come back, I never planned on moving from the level of I’m going to be evicted by the apartment land owners to getting requested to be janitor, I also more then anything didn’t plan on ever going back to New York.  

However with this update, I now am a Father to an adopted animal and will cease writing for the immediate future.  

I need to display my thinking here.  I only am paid with Supplemental and Disability income, I don't make money at my fan fiction, and I don't make money at my volunteer work for Forever Love rescue-shelter.  I have come to a realization lately watching an advertisement that in China sweatshop workers make about $2 an hour, and immigrants of India living in North Korea make more then me.  So in other words when I was working, I was spending more and making less by driving to work and home.  I don't want to get into too much detail, that is what the Psychologist and Psychiatrist in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy are for Occupational things.  I do try to make a contribution even if it is just not being wasteful and donating.  I just need to retire for a while, I'm sure I'll find a way to get back to this; However the thing is I'm going into a new phase of life, I consider the first phase of my life to be before I learned what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder was and had the meaning behind daydreams and nightmares.  I do not think it is conceivable for someone that doesn't have mental issues in health to understand.  I am unique in that my problems are built up after a lifetime working with coping mechanisms to hide it.  It's amazing just how skilled and exhausting it is to make reasonable answers to odd behavior with questions of intrusive thoughts.  In many cases people don't see it and the moment mental health is brought up it becomes a stain of every school shooting, pedophile, paranoid, delusional despot with that diagnosis.  If you are depressed, suicidal, have Post Trauma, a nervous tick, stutter, addiction to caffeine pills you get put in the same category as Alfredo Stroessner, Adolf Hitler, and Henry Mortan Stanley.  So anyway it's health issues and spiritual issues, not that anyone would be worried anyway.